You shouldn’t be coming in to work!” He turned and chuckled to the guys sitting across from him.
         “Shut the fuck up, you fat fuck,” said Darcy, “I’ll be fucked before I give a shit what you think, you fat fuck.” He took another sip of coffee.
         “Why’re you so late?” asked Todd, “What’s the story?”
         Darcy widened his eyes, leaned forward, and said, “Buddy, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
         “Just tell us the story, Darse,” said Rod, piping in.
         “Yeah, Dwayne,” said Eric, “Tell us what happened.”
         “Well, fuck,” said Darcy leaning back. He swallowed a burp, took another sip and went on, “Alright. I’ll tell you the story.” He continued...


         “So, it was after midnight. I had a few Captain Morgans and just hit the sack when my house was just fuckin’ rattled with this huge crash. I was like, ‘What the fuck, man?’ and threw some sweatpants on and grabbed a flashlight to, you know, have a look, right? Well, all of a sudden, I hear a fuckin’ chainsaw start up and I’m like, ‘What the fuck?’ So I grab my baseball bat, ‘cause I don’t know what the fuck is going on out there. And I get outside and here’s Roopirt Pasqal... Dick, you know Roopirt. He’s the guy who brought all that wood to Gary Scheister’s party last October.”
         “Yeah,” said Dick, “that redheaded hillbilly brings wood to those parties all the time.”
         “Who is this Roopirt guy?” asked Todd.
         “Oh,” said Dick, “he’s this redheaded, redneck lumberjack who lives in the trailer next door to me out in Fort Frankforp. Doesn’t have a job. Just goes around cuttin’ down trees all the time and sellin’ the lumber.”
         “Yeah,” said Darcy, “he’s got this huge, orange mullet...”
         “Is it better than your mullet?” interrupted Eric.
         Darcy pointed at him, “Hey buddy, nobody’s mullet beats my luscious blonde mane. Anyways,” he continued, “He’s got this huge, orange mullet, thick mustache, lazy eyes, always wearing a flannel shirt... He’s fuckin’ Roopirt Pasqal. But back to the story.
         “So here’s Roopirt - drunk as fuck - and he’s got this red Cavalier crashed right into the side of my house. And I get outside with my baseball bat and Roopirt’s got this chainsaw out fucking extracting his car from the side of my house.
         “And I shouted, ‘Hey, Roopirt! What the fuck are you doing?’ And he puts down his chainsaw and he answers me in that drawl - you know, Dick, that slow, lazy drawl he’s got?
         “And he goes, ‘Well, if it ain’t my good friend, Darcy Dwayne. Darcy, it seems I’s got my here car stuck. Ya think ya can gimme a push?’
         “And I said, ‘Roopirt, your fucking car is crashed into the side of my house!’
         “And he looks at it and goes, ‘Well, wouldn’t ya know it - this here is yer house. Well, dontcha worry now. I’s’ll get this car outta here in a jiffy.’ And then he goes, ‘ I gots some o’ yer beer an’ pepperoni in the back seat. Why dontcha go ahead an’ help yerself?’
         “And he starts his chainsaw up again and goes back to work extracting his car from the side of my fucking house.”
         “So, what did you do?” asked Rod.
         “Well, what the fuck could I do? I tried yellin’ at him to stop. But either he couldn’t hear me or he was too absorbed in what he was doing... I don’t fuckin’ know. He just kept goin’! So, finally, I just gave up and helped myself to one of his beers. So, here we are, fuckin’ three beers later, he finally finishes and gets back in the car, and here I am - sittin’ in the back seat, drinkin’ beer and eatin’ pepperoni with nothin’ but my sweatpants on. Roopirt starts the car and peels out of my yard as if I wasn’t even fuckin’ there.
         “And I was like, ‘Roopirt, what the fuck are you doing? I gotta go to work at six!’